Years ago, I read the blog “Getting Pregnant With Michelle Tea” on XOJane (may it rest in peace; the website shut down and the blog no longer exists online). I still mention to clients who are in search of inspiration this woman who named Stevie Nicks her higher power for the 12-Step program. I was captivated by the conviction and guts Tea brought to getting pregnant as a queer, over-40 woman. She had to find the right sperm donor and enlist a friend to facilitate in-home inseminations. The blog was an in-the-moment, moment-to-moment rundown of the highs and lows of her journey.
Now, with the benefit of hindsight and a happy ending, she’s assembled those moments into a full-length memoir. We start in her apartment with the uncertainty she feels about trying to become a mom, followed by several evenings spent with her donor, her friend, a warm bowl, and her new love, Orson, who’s delighted to join her on this journey toward parenthood.
What I love about this book is that it speaks to the challenges of conceiving while queer–needing to rely on sperm and/or eggs from outside one’s romantic partnership, the heteronormative structure of the ART (assisted reproductive technology) world, and questions about how queer parents fit into a world they’ve often been left out of. However, like all good stories, this one is universal. Things don’t go as planned and adaptations are necessary. Tea learns her eggs are poor quality after several failed home inseminations. She chooses to carry a baby made with Orson’s egg and sperm from Quentin, her generous drag queen/grad student donor, who showed up month after month to give samples before moving to the more structured world of IVF, where he’s subject to legal documents, health tests, and a psych eval.
Tea’s story illustrates one of the odd dynamics of infertility and IVF treatment–it’s deeply rooted in an individual or couple’s desires and goals, combined with a wide community of necessary helpers in the areas of finance; egg and sperm donation; medical care; and, even after all that, chance. There is so much at play, but failure and missteps along the way feel very personal and rest heavily on the shoulders of the mom-to-be.
IVF is hard, but this book is fun. Tea brings her early love for and marriage to Orson to life. We see her assemble an altar for her child’s conception. We see her touring with poets, lecturing at universities, and climbing trees. Life does not stop for her journey.
Tea gets her first negative pregnancy test after her one month of trying. The previously ambivalent mom-to-be realizes the options she’s envisioned, mom with responsibilities or free women who flies to Paris often, are no longer equivalent in her mind. Once she starts walking the road to motherhood, she can’t turn back around.
She’s got a big pregnant belly on the cover, so it can’t be much of a spoiler to mention the eventual birth of baby Atticus. We hear about his early days, his boyhood, how his family changes, and Tea’s profound and joyful experience of being his mom.
This is a book that can bring hope to those experiencing infertility and miscarriage, and educate those who haven’t been there on the depths of the struggle. I was delighted to come across this book in the bookstore, and having read it, I am happy to share it with others.
A Therapist's Book Club 