Sonali Deraniyagala, Wave (Grief)

I read a lot of grief memoirs after my mother’s death in 2011. This one stands out to me still because of its simplicity and power. Sonali Deraniyagala was vacationing with her husband, her two young sons, and her parents in Sri Lanka in 2004, when a tsunami appeared out of nowhere and sent them running for their lives. She was separated from her family in the wave and saved herself by grabbing onto a tree branch. Eventually, she learns that she was the only family member to survive.

The book goes back in time to illustrate the story of a marriage. She brings her children, her husband, their home, and their community to life. It is a story filled with love and appreciation for good things, which makes it all the more devastating when she wakes up alone and has to adapt to life without them. Before she can return to her home and work as an economics professor in London, she spends several months in Sri Lanka, recovering mentally and physically from the ordeal. She drinks to excess and burns herself with cigarettes. She harasses the tenants who have moved into her family home. 

She feels broken and unable to move on, however, she has to. Bit by bit, she returns to life. She goes back to the family home, which is unchanged since the day they left for vacation (the book does not acknowledge the immense financial privilege it is to keep an unlived-in home indefinitely as a monument to lost loved ones). She visits with her children’s friends and watches them grow. She starts a new job in NYC and goes to therapy. She learns how to answer questions about being a wife and a mother when her family has died. She does not “get over” or “get past” the loss of her family–but she does develop an ability to enjoy their memory. 

For me, this book is about the determined tenacity of human life. Even when all the love and meaning seems to have disappeared, when she is downtrodden and low beyond what anyone could have imagined, she starts to take steps forward and rebuild her life. This book is a great inspiration to anyone who is grieving and unsure of what comes next.